Fleshlight
The Fleshlight is the world’s number one male sex unit. The company told me this, and I have no reason not to believe them. They asked me to select a complimentary item and promote it, then they paid me. I am for sale.
The Fleshlight comes as standard in a grey case to resemble a utility flashlight, though it is available in a variety of colours.
The only torch in my house that contains working batteries is small and shaped like a frog. I do have a grey utility flashlight in the boot of my car, but in the interests of safety it is probably best that I do not confuse the two.
Furthermore, if you are reading this then you may rest assured that everyone from whom I would seek to hide Fleshlight ownership has already read this. With all the benefits of subtefuge removed, I was free to chose a more vibrant colour.
I considered silver and gold, lavender, and all five different flesh tones. However, being a narcissist, there could only be one choice. Nothing can possibly be more erotic that clear, colourless, see-through casing and clear, colourless, see-through patented gel insert. 1-3 working days later, it arrived.
The decision to use a Fleshlight is not the choice between using a Fleshlight and having sex. It is the choice between using a Fleshlight and using another object found around your house.
Though I have never understood why you would chose to do this or what sensation you would be seeking to replicate, I have read a sufficient number of references online to masturbating using a sock for me to accept that, however perculiar, it this is fairly common practice. Character socks make for a disturbing experience, and most of the references involve severe chaffing.
The thing I use to clean my windows is way ahead of the other things competing items. Just like the Fleshlight patented Super Skin insert, it is designed to be soaked a basin of water until it reaches your desired temperature. Sadly, it is intended to be used flat, and therefore only vaguely malleable.
I think the Fleshlight is best, but please, post a comment with your suggestions.