NSFW Reviews

Contrary to popular internet opinion, Jordan’s sextape with failed boyband member Dane Bowers is not hot. It is worse than most amateur porn, because international familiarilty with Jordan’s unclothed body lends an expectation of proffessionality and talent that is far from fulfilled.

The footage begins with Jordan and Dane standing in the middle of a room. She is giving him a handjob in the world’s most awkward position. The act itself could be more sensual, but this is made up for by the mastery of the cinematography.

Some may find her obvious difficulty and perseverance a turn on.

She attempts to salvage the situation by giving a blowjob at a near neck-breaking angle. The angle was especially chosen so that Dane’s self-filmed view of his own penis is not obstructed by her head.

Keen to demonstrate her capability when given freedom of choice of style, Jordan simultaneously continues while hotting up the action with the promise of some self-love from the vibrator she has picked up.

Aware that he is risking losing audience share by this new development, Dane changes the camera angle to treat the view to yet more unobstructed footage of his cock. We seem to be treated to this shot a lot; I’m begining to wonder what Jordan’s involvement in the film is.

After a near interminable wait, the video cuts to Dane lying down and Jordan wanking him against her tits. By careful freeze framing, I managed to secure a screenshot where her hair is not blocking the view.

Sadly, this is the closest thing shown to the on-bed blowjob.

I’m not really sure what she’s doing here, but I’m happy to assume that it’s pure filth.

Oh, yeah, that’s hot. More of your knee and the floor please, Dane.

Having satisfied his desire to give the viewer a Cribs-style tour of his room (”This is where the action takes place” - copyright every Cribs star ever), Dane returns the camera to the sexing. Jordan makes no attempt to appear into it.

Dane is undeterred; he is aware that next to no-one cares about her face, and focuses the camera where the investment is. Sadly, the harsh lighting is unforgiving on her scars. Scientifically, the amount that they do and do not move is quite interesting.

Jordan reintroduces the vibrator, creating her own entertainment. This leaves no room for Dane’s tiny penis. She ignores his continued efforts to enter.

Unfulfilled, and quickly loosing interest in what the observer could only loosly term sexual, Dane takes the camera out into the hallway to finish off alone, and only then switches it off.

Hot bonus footage: In the bath, Dane rubs his foot on Jordan’s pussy as she continues to play with herself and not acknowledge his presence.

‘Restriktionen’ starts with a traditional porn theme, with the protaganists going shopping. Confusingly, they do not have sex in the car park or on the shop floor, or even in the changing rooms. They buy things. The picture on the cover is beginning to look cruelly misleading.

At first it seems that this is a shot of a random passer-by to make the footage more risky and voyeuristic for those who like to watch people try on shoes without necessarily having consent.

This is not the case. If there is one thing that they like more than trying on shoes, it is slightly retarded looking men. They stride out of the shop with varying degrees of competance (it quickly becomes obvious that the man-woman is not used to wearing high heels) and rush to bundle him into the world’s ugliest car.

In an unfortunate attempt to keep flagging interest during this linking piece, they intercut some hardcore shoe standing-in-an-elevator action.

9 minutes 46 seconds in, and we have the first sign of nudity, none of it female. They tie belts around him. If you are the intended audience, you are presumably really into belts. It is still not clear whether he is sentient.

They have now shoved something really, really big up his bottom. I didn’t feel the need to take a screen capture of this, so here’s one of them tieing chains to his balls and winching them up. This is followed by ten minutes of the man-woman sitting on his face. This is shot from the same perspective with no cut-aways. Music fairly similar to that used on ‘American Beauty’ kicks in to alleviate the boredom.

The Japanese one drips candle wax on his flacid penis. In case it is not yet apparent that this is not for his pleasure, they then make him eat the wax while they spit on him. ‘Restriktionen’ is possibly the least erotic film ever.

Cut to new scene: the gimp is now tied to a post. He has more belts applied, then is slapped. After watching this from three camera angles, she kicks him in the balls until he starts to bleed. I think this takes a further 30 minutes, but I might have missed something because I skipped bits.

They then suspend him upside down and violate him with a dildo like a baseball bat. This produces the first sound of the film other that spanking, when he makes a noise like a kitten. It is not clear whether this is because he likes it or not, but it is a fairly safe bet that he does not.

The second half of the DVD is very different from the first, set in an overlit apartment, and featuring a man and a woman not in the first half. The woman sits nervously as though wating for a job interview. The man joins her, then without any words passing between them, she looks in the box he brought. In the same when’s-it-going-to-end style as the first half, she picks objects from the box one by one and holds them up for about a minute each. The man just sits fully dressed and watches her do this. Apparently, penetration doesn’t enter the lives of these people at all.

The man finally gets up. They film him doing this for a while. It is not entirely clear what it is, but based on what has happened so far, he’s probably cramming the furniture up her.

After only 1 hour 3 minutes, he removes his suit jacket and spanks her. In case this is too normal for anyone, she disappears and is relaced by the Japanese one from the previous video, wearing a clown outfit.

…more with the feet…

Now the man too has gone. She sits around looking disinterested for another 6 minutes before the girl reappears for some toe sucking.

After a mere 16 minutes, the suckee stands and binds the suckers wrists and ankles together before leaving.

The guy does reappear, and take advantage of her situation for a furious minute and a half, but this is somehow far hotter.