NSFW Reviews

Contrary to popular internet opinion, Jordan’s sextape with failed boyband member Dane Bowers is not hot. It is worse than most amateur porn, because international familiarilty with Jordan’s unclothed body lends an expectation of proffessionality and talent that is far from fulfilled.

The footage begins with Jordan and Dane standing in the middle of a room. She is giving him a handjob in the world’s most awkward position. The act itself could be more sensual, but this is made up for by the mastery of the cinematography.

Some may find her obvious difficulty and perseverance a turn on.

She attempts to salvage the situation by giving a blowjob at a near neck-breaking angle. The angle was especially chosen so that Dane’s self-filmed view of his own penis is not obstructed by her head.

Keen to demonstrate her capability when given freedom of choice of style, Jordan simultaneously continues while hotting up the action with the promise of some self-love from the vibrator she has picked up.

Aware that he is risking losing audience share by this new development, Dane changes the camera angle to treat the view to yet more unobstructed footage of his cock. We seem to be treated to this shot a lot; I’m begining to wonder what Jordan’s involvement in the film is.

After a near interminable wait, the video cuts to Dane lying down and Jordan wanking him against her tits. By careful freeze framing, I managed to secure a screenshot where her hair is not blocking the view.

Sadly, this is the closest thing shown to the on-bed blowjob.

I’m not really sure what she’s doing here, but I’m happy to assume that it’s pure filth.

Oh, yeah, that’s hot. More of your knee and the floor please, Dane.

Having satisfied his desire to give the viewer a Cribs-style tour of his room (”This is where the action takes place” - copyright every Cribs star ever), Dane returns the camera to the sexing. Jordan makes no attempt to appear into it.

Dane is undeterred; he is aware that next to no-one cares about her face, and focuses the camera where the investment is. Sadly, the harsh lighting is unforgiving on her scars. Scientifically, the amount that they do and do not move is quite interesting.

Jordan reintroduces the vibrator, creating her own entertainment. This leaves no room for Dane’s tiny penis. She ignores his continued efforts to enter.

Unfulfilled, and quickly loosing interest in what the observer could only loosly term sexual, Dane takes the camera out into the hallway to finish off alone, and only then switches it off.

Hot bonus footage: In the bath, Dane rubs his foot on Jordan’s pussy as she continues to play with herself and not acknowledge his presence.